Acknowledgements to friends who have shared these jokes.
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." She asks .... "What does that mean?" He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot. She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?" He said, "I'm Just Kidding!" The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles. The 2012 Australian Poetry Competition held in Sydney Opera House had come down to two finalists; A) The university graduate. B) An old aboriginal. They were given a common word, and then allowed two minutes to reflect on the word and recite a short four line poem that contained the word. The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '. First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said: Slowly across the desert sand, Trekked a lonely caravan Men on camels two by two Destination - Timbuktu . The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought. The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited; Me and Tim a huntin' went Met three whores in a pop up tent They were three, and we were two So I bucked one, and Tim..buk tu . The aboriginal won, pants down! Mrs Clinton in trouble.... Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious... Here she is -- in the middle of her election campaign -- now this has happened to her! She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "You bastard! How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault!..... Well, what have you got to say?" There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me?" Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper: "Who's calling?". They surveyed 1000 women with the question:Would you have sex with Bill Clinton? 75% responded, "never again". Anger Management: A husband asks his wife,'You never argue when I get mad at you. **How **do you always control your anger?'* 'I clean the toilet,' she replies. **** 'I use your toothbrush.'* Bucket List: The new Royal Baby, George, has already done three of the things on my bucket list. 1. Became a billionaire 2. Met the Queen 3. Suck Kate Middleton's Tits Nanna's Advice: 'Sita here ana letame tella you about dis-a younga boy. He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat, but don't let him do dat. He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea dat too, but don'ta let him do dat eeda. But mosta important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna really likea dat, but don'ta let him do dat for sure. Doing data willa disgraza our family. With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: 'And Nanna, I didn't let him disgrace our family as you said. When he tried to lay on top of me, I just rolled him over got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!' Nanna fainted!! The moral of the story? Pay your f---in' bills! Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense, Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident. Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick. The Italian Virginity Test... Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his Bride-to-be is still a Virgin. His doctor says .... "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit ~~~ a small can of Red paint, a small can of Blue paint, and a shovel." Mario asks ... "And what do I do with these things, doc?" The doctor replies .... "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls Red and the other ball Blue. If she says ... 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen!', ..........you hit her with the shovel. A guy is 84 years old and loves to fish ........ He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, ' Pick me up. ' He looked around and couldn ' t see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, ' Pick me up. ' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, ' Are you talking to me? ' The frog said, ' Yes, I ' m talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I ' ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I ' ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride! ' The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket. The frog said, ' What, are you nuts? Didn ' t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride. ' He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I ' d rather have a talking frog. ' Nicknames....... I was listening to the radio this morning when the Host invited callers to reveal the nicknames they had for their husbands: Best call was from the brave wife who called her husband "Harvey Norman" - explaining ... ���There is Absolutely no interest for 36 months��� Female Demerit Points System: In the world of romance, some simple rules apply: -Make the woman happy. -Do something she likes and you get points. -Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. -You don't get any points for doing something she expects. -Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system: SIMPLE DUTIES -You make the bed (+1) -You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0) -You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1) -You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8) -But return with Beer (-5) -You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1) -You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0) -You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5) -You pummel it with iron rod (+10) -It's her pet (-20) SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS -You stay by her side the entire party (0) -You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2) -Named Tina (-10) -Tina is a dancer (-20) -Tina has silicone implants (-80) HER BIRTHDAY -You take her out to dinner (+2) -You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3) -Okay, it's a sports bar (-2) -And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3) -It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10) A NIGHT OUT -You take her to a movie (+1) -You take her to a movie she likes (+3) -You take her to a movie you hate (+6) -You take her to a movie you like (-2) -It's called 'Death Cop' (-3) -You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15) YOUR PHYSIQUE -You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15) -You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10) -You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30) -You say "It doesn't matter, you have one too". (-8000) THE BIG QUESTION -She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what) -You hesitate in responding (-10) -You reply, "Where?" (-35) -Any other response (-20) COMMUNICATION -When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying a concerned expression (0) -You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50) -You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500) -She realises this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000) Chinese Adam & Eve: If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in paradise because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake. Three Feelings: What's the difference between stress, tension and panic? Stress is when the wife is pregnant, Tension is when the girlfriend is pregnant, and Panic is when both are pregnant. A Tap on the Driver: A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. To which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a funeral car for the last 25 years." LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES: An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake." FAMILY: Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!" Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." LITTLE LADY: A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." OLD FRIENDS: Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" SENIOR DRIVING: As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" DRIVINGTwo elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?" No-one likes a smart-ass: It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said. 'Very good! Said the teacher, now who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'' Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln , 1863' said Chandrasekhar. The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.' She heard a loud whisper: 'F___ the Indians,' 'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.' At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.' The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.' Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!' Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997' Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.' The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008' NINE WORDS WOMEN USE: (1). Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. (2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. (3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. (4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! (5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.) (6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. (7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. that will bring on a 'whatever'). (8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F--- YOU! (9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3. Burglar in home: A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?' 'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?' 'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler ... Jesus.' Catholic Heart Attack: A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 000 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?" she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank." "Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun. He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law." A SHORT... BUT BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY: A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,..........'Ma'am,I'm sorry to bother you, but would please reach into the closet to get me another blanket? I'm awfully cold' 'I have a better idea,' she replied.... 'Just for tonight......let's pretend that we're married' 'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed...... 'Good,' she replied.......'Get your own damn blanket.' After a moment of silence........... she farted. Men Are Just Happier People; WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People: What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.. Everything on your face stays its original color.. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier. NICKNAMES If Sheila, Candy and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Sheila, Candy and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman . EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back... When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. BATHROOMS A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed... Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing! Why Am I Married??? WHY AM I MARRIED? You have choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead. __________ At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' 'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.' __________ A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: 'Husband Wanted'. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.' __________ When a woman steals your husband,there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. __________ A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished . __________ A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.' __________ A young son asked,'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?' Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.' __________ Then there was a woman who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,and by then, it was too late.' __________ Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. __________ If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep. __________ Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. __________ First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!' Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive..' __________ 'A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death' __________ Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minute s. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.' The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the heck up.' The Mexican Maid: The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?" Maria: "Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze." "The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "Jor huzban, he say so. Wife: "Oh yeah?" Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "Jor hozban did" Wife increasingly agitated:"Oh he did--- did he???" Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed." Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did my husband say that as well?" Maria: "No Senora...... The gardener did. Wife: "Ok, So how much do you want?" Advice to an Old Guy... An old guy (not in the best of shape like your good self) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.... He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try the ATM in the lobby"....... The Cows... England has madcow, Hong Kong has Macau , Russia has Moscow , S'pore has 2 famous cows - 'Cow-peh and cow-bo' When your life is in darkness....... Pray 2 God and ask Him 2 free u from darkness..... and If u r still in darkness..Please pay your electricity bill. The 3 Great Kings..... Teacher: Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives? Little Johnny answered: Smo-King, Drin-King and Bon-King! MY PRIVATE PART DIED An old man, Mr.. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. 'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.' Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.' The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walkingdown the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.' 'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.' 'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?' 'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.' They Will Find us! Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly,over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives." Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?""No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing then asks, "Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge? "Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check, “she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the Synagogue Building Fund this month?," he asks"Forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either." Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest hug and kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, " So, why did you kiss me?" Abe answers, "They'll find us." Old People..... OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked!'You asked your neighbour?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.' Tequila A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?" "Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?" "You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules." So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar. "Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it." "Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands." "Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem." The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is." As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence! Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?" Marriage Humour: Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband: Nothing. Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.' Wife : 'Do you want dinner?' Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?' Wife: 'Yes or no.' Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?' Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.' Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?' Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?' Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.' Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.' Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.' Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.' Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.' Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.' A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?' 'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!' Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever. The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.' A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ' I like your sense of humour!' Husbands are husbands A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied: 'Your Horse phoned!!! ' Church One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going." "Why not?" she asked. I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them." His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!" The Picnic A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?" The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding." The Usher An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. "The front row please," she answered. "You really don't want to do that," the usher said "The pastor is really boring." "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. "No." he said. "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly. "Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No." she said. "Good," he answered. Show and Tell A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David." The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary." The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole." The Best Way To Pray A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said. "No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole." The Twenty and the One A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean " "Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" "So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church ." The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?" Goat for Dinner The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?" "Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner." Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth Stella Awards, USA Style.....It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That' s right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy. Here are the Stellas for the past year: * SEVENTH PLACE * Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son. Start scratching! * SIXTH PLACE * Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps. Scratch some more.... * FIFTH PLACE * Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more... Double hand scratching after this one... * FOURTH PLACE * Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun. Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot.. * THIRD PLACE * Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tail bone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions? Only two more so ease up on the scratching.... *SECOND PLACE* Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure. Ok. Here we go!! * FIRST PLACE * This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home. How to get to heaven...I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?' 'NO!' the children answered. 'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?' Again, the answer was 'No!'. I was so proud of them. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?' Again, they all answered 'No!'. I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?' A little boy shouted out 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD..........' Second Opinion Required.....A man had been suffering from endless migraine and headaches for years. Finally he consulted a doctor. The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is --- I can cure your pain. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure simply creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.' Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. After much deliberations, he concluded that he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was truly without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he suddenly realized that he could be a different person and that he could make a new beginning; live a new life. He then saw a men's clothing store and thought : 'That's what I need... A new suit!' He entered the shop and told the tailor : 'I'd like to get a new suit.' The elderly tailor eyed Joe briefly and said : 'OK. Let's see... size 44.' Joe laughed : 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business for 60 years!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit and it fits perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked : 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said : 'Sure.' The tailor eyed Joe again and then said : 'OK, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised : 'That's right! How did you know?' 'Been in the business for 60 years.' --- came the same reply. Joe tried on the shirt, and again, it fits perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, admiring himself repeatedly in the mirror, and then the tailor asked : 'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said : 'Sure. Why not?' The tailor said : 'Let's see..... size 36. ’ Joe laughed : 'Ah ha! I got you this time! I've been wearing size 34 since I was 18 years old.' The tailor shook his head : 'Sir, you can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.' New suit - $400 New shirt - $66 New underwear - $8 Second Opinion – PRICELESS !!! ( Remember : Always ask for it ) The milk bath & the blonde.....A blonde heard that a milk bath would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 100 litres of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 10 litres. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 100 litres of milk. Did you mean 10 litres?'The blonde said, 'No, I want 100 litres. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.' The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurised?' The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes. Medical condition...A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wipe your nose and then shudder violently. Are you ok?" "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm." The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?" The woman nodded, "Pepper." Going to Church...A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap, plus a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days." The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side." The wonders of SMS! Mukhriz's wife was expecting and the baby was due any day. Mukhriz was very confident it would be a boy and was looking forward to the D-day. As fate would have it, he was asked to go to another country by Najib, for a month to attend to some urgent matters, and had to leave immediately. Before going, he asked his father the slimy Mahathir, to send sms confirming birth of his son. But in order to avoid giving party and treat to his entourage, the stingy Mukhriz asked his father to write "the clock has arrived" and he would understand that the son is born. The D-day arrived. His wife delivered a little baby girl. Mahathir didn’t know what to do. If he writes "the clock has arrived" Mukhriz will think he has got a son. If he writes "clock has not arrived" Mukriz will get worried that something serious has happened. But being a very intelligent person (otherwise he would not be free outside after committing heinous crimes against Anwar), he finds a solution and Mukhriz received the sms, read it eagerly and the message reads "THE CLOCK HAS ARRIVED, BUT THE PENDULUM IS MISSING" A Malaysian Story An old kampung imam had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects. 1. The Holy Qoran. 2. A fifty ringgit note. 3. A bottle of whiskey. 4. And a Playboy magazine. 'I'll just hide behind the door," the old imam said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up." "If it's the holy book, he's going to be an imam like me, and what a blessing that would be!" "If he picks up the fifty ringgit note, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too." "But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and God, what a shame that would be." "And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer." The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room.. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Holy Book and placed it under his arm. He picked up the fifty ringgit note and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine. "God have mercy," the old imam disgustedly whispered. "He's going to be an Umno Politician!! 10 Husbands...A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom, "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was............... God, I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED!" Chinese, Japanese..One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor , get out of here." The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg. In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship." Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me." The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same." This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition in Britain. iPod User Beware! I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. Where did I come from?A little girl asked her father: 'How did the human race appear?' The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.' Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.' The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?' The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family,and your mother told you about hers.' Nudist Colony.... A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. One his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?' The man replies 'No; what do you mean?' She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man. 'No; what do you mean?' says the newcomer. 'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says. The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.' 'But sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.' The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here. Good Advice: The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello. 'Mrs. Sanders, please.' 'Speaking.' 'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.' 'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously. 'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.. We can't tell which is which.' 'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?', questioned Mrs. Sanders. 'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.' 'Well, what am I supposed to do now?' 'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home don't sleep with him.' Little Brat: Bob was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily. What’s up Bob? asked the bartender It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth. It’s my five year old son the man replied. Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? My lad’s just the same forget about it; it happens to boys that age, said the bartender, sympathetically. I only wish it was that,continued the customer, but it’s far worse than that. The little devil has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant. “Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the bartender. “It’s not,” said the man. "The little bastard stuck a pin in all my condoms.”
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